TL;DR

Illustration by Anna White

Story by Nicolaia Rips

In a new bi-monthly column, editor and writer Nicolaia Rips rounds up and reviews the best and worst content people text her.

This article feels like the less nuanced version of Cat Person. It plays up all the same cringe inducing aspects of dating as a millennial/gen Z and makes them even more vile. I love though that we’re moving towards more realistic depictions of terrible sex. Sex can be really weird for so many reasons (smells! sounds! viscous bodily fluids! consent! discomfort!)and this style of satire feels like a push against the glamorization we see in most literature and film. This humor is more relatable, grunt funny than laugh out loud funny, which I think is kind of apropos of a lot of what I read online. Replace Wes Anderson with Quentin Tarantino and this could be a pretty accurate portrayal of some of the more mediocre men I’ve come across.

Bottom line is that nobody knows what glitter is, but if they did it’s definitely poisoning us all. The more educated festival goer might know that the same glitter going into your eye makeup is also in your nail polish, lipstick, glitter glue, stickers and the list goes on and on. Also, like many questionable things, the two factories that supply glitter for the whole United States are located in New Jersey! Be an informed consumer; read this article. Be less informed but way more worried.

The concept behind this is shocking until you find out Post Malone spent over $40,000 last year on Postmates! Kylie bought a shocking amount of breakfast food, which I personally think is a let down because it’s so straightforward to make cheap and easy meals (oatmeal, anyone?). This article is just a reminder that there are people in our society that spend this much on delivery, while 2017 census records show over 39.7 million Americans lived in poverty. Not worth reading.

If you like an unreliable narrator and underrated female authors, this is for you. This article is a mix of spooky, lyrical, beautiful and upsetting. Amy Hempel writes intoxicating prose and her gripping details are what make this this piece. I had to sit and marinate for a good ten minutes after reading this. Definitely a non-sequitur, but Amy Hempel in real life gives me some Debbie Harry vibes, and that makes me like her even more.

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